We open in computer class, where we learn we have to endure a subplot about Mark once again trying to get rid of his cursed virginity by writing a girl named Molly a love poem. Unfortunately for him, he’s Mark and nothing good will eve happen to him, so Sly comes in and deletes his stupid little poem so he doesn’t have to worry his little head about it.
In walks another girl named Lynn, and we immediately learn that overweight people don’t have feelings as Sly starts making random cracks about her weight. Yeah, they should have aired this episode before last week’s trial so they could execute Sly. Lynn gives Molly an invitation to her sweet sixteen party and randomly starts talking about how her dad is giving her $2,000 to find a great band, and Sly immediately gets the idea to get he to hire the band.
The rest of the band are skeptical, and Tiffani gives us a bit of backstory about how Sly’s been making fun of Lynn for her weight since first grade because he’s just always been a little shit. They say they’d love the gig, but she’s never going to hire them because Sly sucks ass and they wonder why they even hang out with him with Matt long gone. Sly vows, though, that he will be as much of a shit as it takes to get her to hire them.
Of course, this does nothing for our timeline since we know the band are supposed to graduate in a few episodes. So, if Lynn has been one of their classmates since first grade, how is she just turning sixteen? Yeah, none of this makes any sense, as par the course for the Engel-verse.
Oh, and it doesn’t help that the actress playing Lynn can’t act to save her life and it appears she was only cast because she’s overweight. Yeah, she has no other acting credits.
In the hallway, Mark’s written another love poem for Molly, but being that he’s Mark and he sucks, he’s too shy to give it to her since he still has memories of failing as a man in front of Fergie. Sly tells him not to worry and promises to give the poem to Molly while praising Mark for such amazing lines like, “But in a world where love can feel so plastic,/I have found you and you’re fantastic.” Yeah, this is another case of the writers not understanding what makes good poetry, but I hate Mark so I’ll just blame it on him as another excuse to say Mark sucks.
Sly wastes no time getting the poem into Lynn’s hands and pretends to like her, saying he’s changed and not a shithead anymore, begging he to give him a chance. She tells him to fuck off, and the band come up to judge him for being an asshole, but he won’t be dissuaded.
At Sharkey’s, Mark comes in, having written yet another poem for Molly because Sly told him he lost it. If it has as great lines as the previous one, she’s in for a treat. Mark won’t let Sly deliver it, though, and, instead, pays an idiot waiter a nickel to deliver it to the pretty girl over there.
Of course, Lorena walks through the door right as Mark gives the waiter instructions, so he gives it to her. After she bribes him to tell her who her secret admirer is, she feels icky, thinking the writers have decided to repeat the subplot about Mark liking her and unsure how to die quickly enough to avoid it.
Meanwhile, Sly dances on a table to attract Lynn to him, and she finally agrees to a date that night to get him to shut the hell up and quit embarrassing her.
That night, they end up at Sharkey’s because of course they are. She says after dinner, a movie, and dancing she’s almost convinced he really likes her.
And she makes out with him so the audience has an excuse to lose their shit, given that they’ve never been touched themselves. The band looks on as well, and I think they’re just as culpable in this given they know Sly’s being a shit to Lynn but they don’t warn her.
Mark makes a comment about love poems being written for your one true love, freaking Lorena the hell out and making her seriously wonder if the writers are going to ship her with the biggest loser to ever appear on the show.
Now we get into the wacky misunderstandings of the subplot as Lorena passes Jake the poem, asking him to read it and tell her what he thinks because Lorena apparently possesses zero common sense to realize how a comment like that could be taken. Jake now thinks Lorena still likes him, and quickly waves the poem in her face really fast to distract her because that’s not suspicious at all.
The band play a new competition, and Lynn says they’re pretty good, despite that not being their best song ever. He convinces her to hire them for her party…
…and then twirls Sly on the dance floor in the finest tradition of Rhonda Rubestelli.
At school the next day, Tiffani finds the poem and thinks Jake wrote it for her. She tries to show it off to Lorena, but Jake stops her. The teacher thinks he’s passing a note and takes it away.
She immediately forgets she has it apparently as she gives it to Tony along with his graded test, so now Tony thinks the teacher likes him and Sam thinks the teacher’s a hussy, because Tony and Sam are still dating in case you forget due to how often their relationship is featured on this show as of late.
In the hallway, Lorena tells Mark to stop pressuring her to make a decision about poems and shit, while Jake tries to tell Lorena to fuck off so they can keep up this charade a few more minutes.
Meanwhile, Sly comes up and is still convinced Lynn has no feelings because she’s fat and shit, and he’s not going to hurt her.
She comes up with matching shirts and says something that makes me think she’s going to commit suicide if Sly ever breaks up with her. I’m pretty sure Lynn needs an intervention, but still no one else tells her the truth because that would be too convenient to the plot.
The next day, the secret admirer subplot comes to a crashing halt as everyone figures out everyone else has seen the poem, and Mark says that’s stupid because he wrote it for Molly, vainly hoping that someone will one day touch him inappropriately. Thus ends yet another stupid subplot on this show, but not before Tiffani tells Jake he owes her a love poem for making her think a stupid one by Mark was for her.
Sly arrives and says that he’s developing his usual end of the episode conscience the writers usually give him to try and make us feel sympathetic for him. See, he had dinner with Lynn’s family last night and she was so excited. So he now feels bad because he’s realized fat people have feelings and everything! Sly decides he has to tell Lynn the truth, even if it means the band not getting the gig. Of course, Lynn comes up behind them and hears everything, running off as she realizes she’s a pawn for a stupid Peter Engel show.
At the loft, Sly finds Jake having trouble writing Tiffani’s poem because it’s not like he writes lyrics all the time that people claim are amazing, so good a famous musician once plagiarized him!
Lynn comes in and breaks up with Sly, telling him they’re going too fast in a real passive-aggressive way and that she’s cancelling her party. She gives Sly the check anyway, and runs out. Sly tells Jake he feel like shit despite the fact he broke up with Lynn and got the money. Jake tells him he should listen to the writing some bad writers are about to put in his mouth and they will guide the way.
At Sharkey’s, Sly apologizes to Lynn for being shit, but Lynn says she blames herself for listening to the bad writing that said he liked her. Sly gives her the check back to prove he’s sincere…
…and brings in all the regulars and extras to throw Lynn a party. On top of that, the band’s still going to play, at Sly’s expense.
Jake’s lost Tiffani’s poem, having asked the stupid waiter to deliver it.
Mark finally asks Molly out, but finds out he’s been cock blocked by the idiot waiter delivering Jake’s poem to Molly, thus ending any chance today would be the day a girl would touch him.
And our episode ends with Sly and Lynn dancing, because apparently three minutes of making up makes all the shittiness of the last twenty minutes okay. You know, I’d be able to believe the moral about overweight people if Peter Engel hadn’t frequently made them the butt of jokes on Saved by the Bell. Really, this is almost as hypocritical as The New Class episode about sexual assault that played sexual assault up for laughs.
Jake, Mark, Sam, Tiffani, and Tony singing
The way I would describe this song is a very poor man’s version of Michael Jackson’s “Man in the Mirror” with a more reggae beat to it. It’s one of those inspirational songs about living up to your potential and shit that I’m sure was inspired by the theme of the episode about fat people being human beings and all. It’s okay, but these type of songs really don’t appeal to me unless they’re done by someone with a good command of their talents, like Michael Jackson, and our band is definitely not that polished.
One thing I will comment on is the fact everyone sings here. Now I would normally be all for Tony and Tiffani getting time to sing, but it serves no purpose here and is, instead, distracting how they change vocalists every few words. I’ve heard of bands making multi-vocalists work: Three Dog Night, 311, and Linkin Park are examples. It doesn’t work here, and further drags down a song I wasn’t terribly interested in to begin with.
“Way We Are”
Mark and Sam singing
The return of an old season two song with Mark replacing Matt on vocals. You might remember this as the acoustic song Matt and Sam sung for Jake and Tiffani after the band was shitty and broke them up. Well, it’s back to provide a sappy ending for this episode, and, no longer acoustic, it sounds like most of their songs. What can I say: a sappy ending to a sappy episode.