Season 3, Episode 15: “Junior Achievement”

We open in class, where a sick Tony sneezes all over everything. Sly tries to kick Tony out of “his” seat, but Tony tells him to suck a wet one and fuck off. Oh, the non-existent days before assigned seating! They were so glorious, weren’t they? Seems there’s a cold going around. I sure hope this doesn’t factor into the plot in any way as they’re beating it into us!

Meet Mr. Parrot, the band’s economics teacher! This week, he’ll be showing us how the writers of this show have no fucking clue what an economics class is as, yes, this is a cheap rip-off of Saved by the Bell’s “The Friendship Business”, which also had no idea what an economics class is. See, Mr. Parrot, who I’m assumed is named as such because he’s ripping off Mr. Tuttle, is going to give his students $500 to start up businesses because it would seem that schools in L.A. were really rich in the ’90s. It appears the writers also don’t understand how business works as the money has to be paid back or they will attend summer school. Um, I’m pretty sure that’s not how developing products works and it’s a horrible message to send for your class project.

In Lorena’s loft, Tony continues to sneeze over everything as Sam brings him a mug of her great-great grandmother’s cold cure that she guarantees will cure him. Geez, I hope colds don’t factor into this shit at all this week!

Since Jake doesn’t have much to do this week and Mark never has much to do, the writers decided to pair them up giving music lessons for their project, while the rest of the band thinks the idea sounds idiotic. Great, they can teach everyone how to lip sing.

When Tony nearly instantly feels better from drinking the tea, Sly gets the idea of selling the formula for their project. Sam’s against it, though, saying she doesn’t want to tarnish her grandmother’s honor until the writers think of a sufficient way to justify it for her.

At Sharkey’s, the band try to figure out a way to get the formula from Sam. When she comes in with a fresh supply and Sly’s able to sell it all in a matter of minutes because the extras on this show just buy anything that the sleaziest member of the PCH student body offers them. When Tiffani claims that means they could make $4 million in one year, Sam’s all, “I guess greed is a good enough reason for me to compromise my feelings and values!”

Back at the loft, the band get going on the tea, with Lorena in charge of packaging, Tiffani of money, Tony of advertising, and Sly of doing nothing and taking money.

While they’re making the tea, Jake and Mark come in with students, but they’re not able to practice for all the noise going on and it’s not like Jake has a garage where they could go, so, because everyone’s an idiot I guess, Jake and Mark aren’t doing very well on their plan as the students say, “Fuck this shit!”

Tony shoots their commercial in Lorena’s house, with a Chinese stereotyped Sam because that’s what this episode was missing: casual racism!

Also, Sly plays the cold germs because he’s perfect at playing a virus. Sadly, Sly’s the only one of them who knows how to act, but they’re convinced that Tony’s commercial is going to get them lots of sales because they’re going to show it on public access because that’s what the kids at PCH watch.

At Sharkey’s, Jake and Mark try to get into advertising through singing in the doorway, and everyone’s all, “Go the fuck away!”

The advertising worked, though, and Tony and Sly sell lots of the tea because I guess kids at PCH love the conspiracy theories and sports talk of public access.

Back at the loft, Tiffani reveals they broke even on the first batch so their plan is to find a way to cut costs on the secret ingredient because they couldn’t do that by cutting out the advertising or packaging or anything.

So Tony tries the new formula with carnations and it appears to be helping his cold as Jake and Mark talk about getting students but not charging them.

 

Random extras start pouring in, though, complaining the tea is having the stupid side effect of making them hiccup, because that’s a real thing I’m sure. This includes a young Jamie Kennedy, and I guess now we know why he stars in horrible movies like Son of the Mask: the tea affected his better judgment so he accepts such shit roles.  An angry mob furious at the idea of the tea inspiring really bad sequels of Jim Carey films forms and chases our band out the door…

…and apparently straight back to Lorena’s bedroom because these were some pissed off folks who really don’t like hiccuping. Sam laments getting greedy just because of money and shit while Sly wants to lie and shit.

After they all leave, the tea makes he hallucinate that a picture of her great-great grandmother is talking to her. I’m pretty sure Sam’s great-great grandmother, who would have lived in nineteenth century China, would not be in this high quality of a photo, but who cares about things like facts when you’re writing for California Dreams. The photo tells her the moral of the episode isn’t to not make money off shit, but to be honest in your business dealings, and that she must restore her honor.

In class, Jake and Mark get D’s because they admit to Mr. Parrot that they used the $500 on dates. No, you fucking idiot, this is why you don’t give teenagers unrestricted access to $500. Maybe this is why he was never in another episode: incompetence.

When it’s time for the rest of the band to report on the tea business, Sly tries to lie and shit but Sam admits what they did and says they need to return the money of everyone who bought the tea. This makes Mr. Parrot decide to give Sam an A for integrity because she was able to figure out what the moral of the episode was.

As the bell rings and our episode ends, the tea container congratulates Sam on a job well done and she freaks out, suddenly realizing that pictures are talking to her. Next week, tune in for California Dreams‘s very special look at schizophrenia as the stress of the talking pictures begins to take its toll on Sam as they all begin demanding she do their bidding. She starts abusing caffeine pills as she struggles to maintain the pace of making tea and singing in a shitty band!

No song this week.

2 thoughts on “Season 3, Episode 15: “Junior Achievement”

  1. Ah yes, a young Jamie Kennedy as “Sea Kelp” (seriously, that’s how he’s credited). Another bit player who’s gone on to a more successful career than any of the main cast.

    In all seriousness, I wonder why none of the main cast have really made any real impact beyond CD. None of them are completely devoid of talent and you’d think 3-5 years on a fairly popular show would be a good launching pad.

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