We open with Sly dumping trash all over the floor of the loft. As Lorena freaks out and says she’s calling 9-1-1, no doubt to soon appear in a YouTube compilation of people who overreacted to annoying but relatively minor circumstances. Sly explains that this is the trash of a famous record producer named Joey D’errico, and Sly’s hope is to find something in his garbage to blackmail him into giving the band an audition. Eh, it seems solid as any other plot on this damned show.
He soon finds a pony tail wig among the garbage, and decides to blackmail Joey for being…bald? Okay, not the most solid plan after all I guess. In fact, it’s quite stupid the more I think about it, but we need something to get our plot going.
Tiffani shows up and gives us her minor subplot for the week: she’s now working for the animal shelter and shit because cute animals.
While Tony’s playing the drums in celebration of this weeks dumb subplots, suddenly, an earthquake happens and, since California so rarely has earthquakes, it means no one knows what to do! Tony gets up to retrieve a cymbal right as an amp falls on his chair. Oh, god, The New Class copied this plot really badly, didn’t they?
At school, Tony’s yelling about how thankful he is to be alive. Come on, Tony, Sly dropped an amp on you last season and you survived. What makes you think this would have been anything more than “Operation Tony, Part 2”? But, seriously, yeah, Tony has PTSD now, and I bet it’s not going to be a serious examination of the subject knowing the Engel-verse.
Tiffani brings a bunch of animals to school since there seems to be no rules about that at PCH, and says they need foster homes after the earthquake. Jake takes a bulldog, Sly an iguana, Tiffani a larger mutt, and Tony a cute little beagle that I just want to hug and kiss and pet. Can you tell I like beagles? None of these animals play a role in the plot. They’re basically there to give the producers an excuse to bring in cute animals.
Tiffani tries to get Lorena to take a rabbit, but she’s all, “EEEW! ANIMALS AND SHIT!” so Sam says she’ll take the rabbit and hide it in her room from Lorena since they need a minor subplot.
Also, Sly arranges the blackmail for Joey to come watch the band play.
At Sharkey’s, Lorena’s mad because something ate her hat because that subplot is so important and going places. There’s also a cute beagle trip even though Lorena rightfully points out that dogs shouldn’t be in restaurants. They shouldn’t be in school, either, but that didn’t stop this show!
Sly comes in with Joey, who watches the band try to play. Tony’s terrified of playing drums now, though, because he was playing drums when the earthquake happened and shit. Rather than breaking into one of their songs that don’t involve drums, the band just sit there, and Joey takes his wig and goes home, telling Sly they blew their chance.
At school the next day, Tony’s now afraid to come inside because shit might fall on him, and Jake pointing out that shit can fall on him outside doesn’t phase him because this show is set in the Engel-verse. The band’s teacher give them a lesson on earthquakes and shit but only seems mildly concerned that Tony is suddenly so freaked out he can’t come inside and is basically having a nervous breakdown because, you know, California has so few earthquakes this is the first he’s experienced.
At Sharkey’s the next day, Sly reveals he used the iguana to scare Joey last night into running outside in his bathrobe, and took pictures of him with no wig on. So now Sly has more blackmail on Joey and the band get a second audition.
But Tony’s still freaking out about earthquakes an shit and now wearing lots of stuff all over him He’s even put shit on the beagle just because they want me to go, “AWWW!” along with the studio audience. When he can’t even be intimate in public places with Sam, he says he admits he has a problem and doesn’t know what to do. It’s then that the most brilliant member of the band declares he has a plan to help Tony. Yes, I’m sure Mark will definitely be the one to save the day like he usually does!
At the loft, Lorena finds out Sam has the rabbit through a complicated series of interactions involving Sam not liking carrots. Yeah, I’m not quite sure what I just witnessed either. In any case, Sam says she’ll keep the rabbit in the garage, putting a stop to that useless subplot
The band then put Mark’s idea into action: simulating an earthquake while Tony plays drums by having Jake and Sly jump up and down on a wobbly stage prop while everyone else throws shit around the room. You know, if I didn’t know I was watching an actual episode of California Dreams, I’d think I had stumbled across a really bad satire of Peter Engel shows. This episode is fucking ridiculous. In any case, as one can expect, Mark’s idea sucks and sends Tony running straight into a wall as Sam says she’ll call his parents.
The next day, we get some dialogue about the animal shelter being fixed so everyone gave back their animals. Tony comes in, saying he adopted the beagle and is taking him to Ohio. Turns out Tony’s decided to move to Ohio to live with his aunt so he can get away from earthquakes, except that Ohio does have earthquakes, just not as many as California. Don’t tell the writers that. I mean, did we actually expect them to do research and shit?
As they’re talking, there’s suddenly an aftershock. Now, it’s been at least three days and, technically, an aftershock can occur that long after the original earthquake. It’s extremely unlikely, though, especially given how small the original earthquake was this time. Don’t tell the writers that, though. They needed an excuse to have Tony freak out even more as he stands in the doorway and exclaims how he can’t wait to get the fuck out of LA.
At Sharkey’s, Tiffani reveals she quit her job after she found out she’s working for a kill shelter, and Lorena adopted all the animals to keep them from being killed because she suddenly had a miraculous change of heart during the commercial break. How much you want to bet we never hear about any of her many new animals again?
Tony comes to say goodbye to everyone as Joey comes in to hear the band play again, this time with a drum machine. Tony suddenly realizes that, during the aftershock, he stood in a doorway as he was supposed to and everything is fine. This instantly cures Tony’s PTSD as the writers took this serious condition about as seriously as I expected, and he convinces the rest of the band to let him play. Seriously, this pisses me off. All it took was thirty seconds of Tony being all, “I DID GOOD!” and PTSD…cured! Maybe Tony should go treat returning war vets if he’s that good.
The band play a song…
Joey nods in approval, and our episode ends with another filler episode out of the way, the results of which I’m betting won’t change anything for the rest of the series. Wow, this episode was all over the fucking place, like it couldn’t decide which of these asinine plots it wanted to focus on. The only good part was the beagle. If they had just showed the beagle on-screen for twenty minutes and let me ooh and aww at him, it would have been a much better episode.
“She’s Not You”
Another repeat song, and not much to say about it over the last two times it was used. It’s obvious they picked this song for one reason: it has a gratuitous drum solo from Tony that gives him the opportunity to prove he’s successfully overcome his PTSD erely by thinking about it. It’s not a bad song. I just wish we could have a few more original songs, or was Steve Tyrell just phoning it in by this point in the series so they figured they might as well get as much use out of the music he’s previously composed as possible?