Season 5, Episode 10: “Babewatch”

We open in the loft, where Tiffani arrives to tell the band that a Baywatch ripoff called, no kidding, Babewatch, is in town filming and asked her to be a surfing extra and even find other surfers to appear on the show. This is hilarious in hindsight given that, after California Dreams, the only show that really wanted Kelly Packard was Baywatch. It’s almost like they were predicting the future!

In any case, most of the rest of the cast decide they want to appear as extras and start begging Tiffani to cast them. Even Mark is in on the action despite it being a plot point a few episodes ago that Mark is camera shy. Yeah, this just goes to prove my point they have no clue what they’re doing with Mark. They’re just throwing everything at the wall to see what sticks. Anyway, Tiffani’s reluctant but gives in when they give her pouty faces.

Oh, and Jake’s schtick this episode is talking about how shitty a show Baywatch is. Yeah, I’m calling it Baywatch the rest of the episode because their name for it is just stupid. Um, Peter Engel, people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. At least Baywatch was often unintentionally hilarious with surfboard eating sharks and A&W Cream Soda contests. You produced The New Class. No more need be said.

Tony rushes in, excited because he just applied for a role on Baywatch where he’s given CPR by a pretty girl because I guess we’re still going with him wanting to be an actor or some shit. Once again, Tony’s utterly convinced Sam will be jealous, and, once again, she’s all, “I don’t care! Will you please stop airing your insecurities!” Of course, all this is to point out Tony’s hypocrisy later, and Jake,being a Negative Nelly, points out that a million people probably tried out for the role.

So Tony decides he needs an edge and throws a party for the director and star, a David Hasselhoff ripoff if he were thirty years young and much more attractive. Tony proceeds to kiss ass as much as possible.

Everyone gets sick of Jake complaining about Baywatch so much so he goes over and starts complaining to the director and starts complaining to him. The director, in a bid to get Jake to shut the hell up, hires him as his assistant with the promise he’ll listen to his feedback later, but first sends him to get coffee, and it’s funny because Jake appears to be playing an idiot this episode.

Of course, since it’s California Dreams, Tony’s plan to impress the director involves the band singing them a song, with Tony on lead vocals. I’m not sure how this is supposed to impress the director since there’s no indication the gig involves singing, but this is the Engel-verse, where logic has no place.

After the song, we find out the rip-Hoff (ha! I’m quite proud of that pun!) was watching Sam the entire time and wants her on the show.

Back at the loft, Tiffani teaches Sly, Mark, and Lorena how to be a surfer, because that’s actually a subplot now I guess. My god, this show just keeps pulling out the stupidest subplots…

Tony and Sam come in, Sam having signed a contract for Baywatch, and Tony swears he’s going to be cool with the Rip-Hoff kissing his girlfriend. He soon loses his mind and starts ranting, though, setting us up for obvious conflict.

On set, Jake tries to tell his ideas to the director, who promptly ignores him and sends him on more chores because this is also a subplot now apparently. More to the point, I’m wondering why they have to film this scene at a classroom in PCH. Were there no other classrooms or sets in LA appropriate that they needed to come to a random high school classroom?

Of course Tony, watching the whole thing, keeps freaking the fuck out and interrupting shit because he’s jealous of Sam and the Rip-Hoff. Rather than calling security and having Tony remove, they just decide to argue a bunch, because that’s they way you handle an intensely jealous and possessive boyfriend.

Back at the loft, Tiffani decides Sly, Mark, and Lorena are as ready to be dumb ass caricatures of surfers as they’re ever going to be and gives them their new surfer names: Bland, Shithead, and Never Does Anything of Note. They’re ready for their big spot in Baywatch apparently.

Tony and Sam come in arguing because Sam’s sick the fuck of Tony’s control and trust issues. He says he can’t stand her being with with the Rip-Hoff, but she assures him they’re just friends. This is good enough until he asks her to Sharkey’s and she tells him she’s having lunch with the Rip-Hoff to discuss things not related to cheating on him. She leaves, and Sly convinces Tony they need to do something really ridiculous to spy on Sam and the Rip-Hoff.

Yeah, because dressing as sharks in the middle of Sharkey’s isn’t going to draw attention from any half-sane person. And this explains why I didn’t recognize this scene from the clip show episode a few weeks ago: the clip show aired before the episode, maybe one of the few times in television history something that stupid and incompetent happened on television. Of course, the real reason is because this is an out of season episode that originally belonged to season four. It’s just another example of the incompetence in the Engel-verse.

Oh, and Tony and Sly overhear the Rip-Hoff asking Sam out, because a guy in his thirties asking out a high school student isn’t creepy at all!

On set at Sharkey’s, Tiffani blows her line when she’s the one who is too nervous and the others deliver her line, “Cowabunga dude!” for her. I know now why she messed up: she suddenly realized they wanted her to be an Olsen twin!

The director still won’t listen to Jake so he quits doing stupid chores, but then he uses Jake’s idea afterwards anyway. Thrilling subplots this week.

Tony shows up and tells Sam she should be with the Rip-Hoff as the Rip-Hoff does his impression of Richard Simmons’s Sweating to the Oldies. Sam tries to stop Tony, but he’s on contrivance autopilot this week and walks out of Sharkey’s.

Back at the loft, Sam tells Tony she said no to the Rip-Hoff because he’s not a main character, and Tony should have trusted her and shit. We hit the reset button, they kiss, and our episode closes with Tony having learned absolutely nothing since he’s going to repeat trust issues again in the future. I just love how no one ever truly grows and changes in the Engel-verse. They just have lots of random shit happen to them without ever truly being affected by it at all.

“He’s So Funky”
Tony singing

In all fairness, this was supposed to be the first time we ever heard this song but, since it’s an out of season episode, we got to hear it in another episode for the first time because this show has become huge on reusing songs. As with all of Tony’s songs, they’re pretty good for what they are: not rock songs, although this is probably one of the weakest of them just because of Sam’s part where she keeps yelling, “He’s so funky!” I’ve got three words for you: That’s so stupid.

Also, I can’t help but realize Mark is playing drums in this song, proving once again he’s the most disposable of the band. Also, I refuse to believe that someone as bland as Mark is a multi-instrumentalist. If he plays bass in the next five episodes, he will have officially played every instrument in the band, which I find unlikely.

3 thoughts on “Season 5, Episode 10: “Babewatch”

  1. I hated ‘He’s So Funky’. It’s catchy, but Tony just comes across as such an insufferable, egocentric douchenozzle when singing it that it puts me right off. Sam yelling the title in the background dosen’t help.

    • Of all the songs featured on the show, that song was probably my least favorite, It makes me cringe. “He’s so – he’s so – he’s so – he’s so – he’s so – he’s so Funkaaaaaaaaaay!”

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